r e s m a r t e d

Curse of the Good Girl

According to a new book about female self-esteem, being cautious and apologetic impacts just about every standard measure of success in the workplace: money, accomplishment, recognition. In The Curse of the Good Girl, author Rachel Simmons argues that women pressure themselves to fit the mold of modest, selfless, rule-following “good girl” for fear of being labeled a “bitch.” But it’s those bitchlike qualities that help us get ahead—which means we’re left with imbalanced salaries, lower titles, and shorter professional trajectories. “In many ways the zeitgeist is that girls are excelling and boys are having trouble,” says Simmons. “But it all depends on what you’re measuring.”

Part of that comes from a lifetime of mixed messages about what it means to be strong. We’ve grown up watching the Hillary Clintons of the world vilified for being pushy, while our soft-spoken colleagues struggle to rise up the corporate ladder. Society, pop culture and the media all encourage us to be tough but sexy in the process. In a way, we’re hybrids of the 1950s woman, who was forced to conform, the 1970s woman who refused to, with a bit of 21st-century porn culture thrown in. We live with outdated expectations about what’s acceptable, while pressuring ourselves to achieve it all.

As Simmons describes it, it’s a “yes, but” mentality: yes, be a go-getter, but be nice all the time. Yes, accomplish, but don’t brag about it. “It is a constant qualification—two steps forward, one step back,” she says. “And just as an anorexic might say, ‘I shouldn’t eat this, it will make me fat,’ girls are saying to themselves, ‘I shouldn’t say this, it will make me a bitch, a drama queen, an outcast.’ ”

Nowhere is that qualification clearer than in the words of a bunch of middle-school girls, whom Simmons surveyed. Asked to write down how society expects a “good girl” to behave, their responses ranged from “perfect” and “kind,” “intelligent” with “tons of friends” to “no opinions on things” and “doesn’t get mad.” A bad girl, on the other hand, was described as a “proud” “rule breaker” who “speaks her mind” and likes being the “center of attention.” Or, to put it simply, all of the things that make somebody a good leader.

full article - newsweek